“I’m a housewife.”
“I’m a full-time dad.”
“I’m unemployed.”
“Technically I’m a professional online poker player but not for high stakes or anything like that, just a grinder really. And only in my spare time because most days I’m looking after my one-year old son. I’m happy if I pull in $1.5k a month, which is better than McDonalds but nothing special. No, it’s not gambling and yes, I am playing against other people. No, I don’t pay tax or contribute anything useful to society. Yeah, basically I guess I’m an unemployed parasite.”
“No, it’s not rigged. Well, sometimes it is but on most sites it’s not. No, I’m pretty certain that the sites I play on aren’t rigged. And they can’t just run off with my money or see my cards. Well, sometimes they can. But other than that, it’s completely legit.”
“I don’t need to make ‘reads’ when playing online. Reads are actually overrated in poker, at least as they are commonly understood. The best reads you can make are betsizing reads and reading ranges based on betting frequencies, you don’t need to see somebody put their hand in front of their mouth or tap their foot or whatever to know their cards. I know you have no idea what I’m talking about but that’s because you have no idea what you’re talking about. Stop asking me about poker!”
“No, it’s not just about getting lucky! Sheesh. Allow me to refer you to the literature on the quantum behaviour of quarks and Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle to illustrate how luck is factored into the cosmos at the subatomic level and cannot be avoided. Now let me explain that Einstein himself argued against this theory of quantum mechanics, believing that the universe is essentially deterministic as demonstrated by his famous dictum, ‘God does not play dice.’ The unification of these opposing theories is the great task of modern physics. Now, you ask about poker. Well, poker is very similar...”
“Yes, I do wear sunglasses when I play online. And I also have a piss bottle. Do you want me to tell you about that?”
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